When you’re in the parenting field, it’s easy to forget that the ultimate goal is to raise well-adjusted, happy, fully formed adults. This goal post may seem distant and abstract, especially for those of us with young children. And we tend to focus only on the strategies we need to get through daily life. However, it’s good to zoom out from time to time and consider the big picture.
So, can research provide any insight? Can we look at normally functioning adults and understand what their parents did “right” and what they did “wrong”? ?Researchers have done just that by following people from childhood to adulthood and examining parenting practices associated with “psychological well-being” in adulthood. Psychological well-being is a measure of life satisfaction and psychological health, including personal growth, self-acceptance, and having a purpose in life (translation: how well one is adjusting). I think we can all agree that this is what we want for our children.
Two relatively large studies (see here and here) found two parenting factors associated with psychological well-being as adults.
High level of parental care: Parental care refers to a warm and loving relationship with both parents. Caring for your parents can lead to building positive relationships later in life. This may be because parent-child relationships provide children with a template for healthy relationships. Low-level psychological control: Psychological control is a parenting approach that attempts to control a child’s thoughts and emotions. This includes inducing guilt, manipulating your child into feeling or thinking the way you want them to, shaming, invalidating, making personal attacks, and allowing your child to do what you want them to do. This may include withdrawing affection when you do not share your thoughts or feelings. Psychological control can be contrasted with behavioral control, which simply means placing limits on a child’s behavior. Psychological control usually leads to worse psychological outcomes, whereas behavioral control leads to better outcomes.
What does parental care actually look like?
Be more affectionate (both physically and verbally) (see previous newsletter for tips on how to be more affectionate) Listen to and truly try to understand your child’s problems and concerns Show positive emotions by speaking in a warm and friendly voice Give praise and give as much positive attention as possible Show that you enjoy spending time with the children and are interested in what they have to say Showing children that they are upset Helping children feel better when they are upset Helping children feel valued and valued
What does low-level psychological control actually look like?
Encourage your child to be independent of you Let your child know that you trust him Allow your child to make their own decisions whenever possible Even if you are not experiencing the same feelings, Validating your child’s feelings Asking about their thoughts and opinions and really listening to what they have to say Allowing them to explore their interests and passions
whole translation
