On this chilly Monday, I want to ask this wise and wonderful community a personal question. Any advice on how to introduce your children to a new partner after a divorce?
Freddie and I have been together for about six months. I hope the boy meets him. As I mentioned, he is a high school history teacher with two boys of his own, and he is really funny and sweet. We talked about seeing each other’s children, and if time feels right, I want to have a loose and kind plan.
Three notes for myself:
1. No PDA, of course!!!
2. Maybe keep it fast for 30 minutes? At the first meeting, shorts are pleasant.
3. Maybe Freddie can help bring the dog to break the ice.
As for the hang itself, Freddie could come to our house any time, so the boys could be on the grass at home and go to the room if they cut off a break. You could also wait a few more months to introduce you, but my kids may find Freddie is a lovely cold dad and not a scary, looming person.
Interesting, during my 15 years of parenting, I was usually able to trust my gut and read what resonance I see, but even now something still throws me for the loop – and this big step does exactly that. I briefly mentioned my nerves in the issue of this big salad newsletter, but several readers have generically shared their experiences.
“Last summer, I introduced two girls to my boyfriend. I met an afternoon walk, gave them ducks (I know) and got some ice cream. The fact that your guy is a teacher and a dad helps. It’s important to know your child and how to best approach him (sometimes by staying away).” – Brittany
“I was in the same situation a year ago. My boyfriend came to kill a spider (black widow, very scary). He came, introduced himself to my son, killed the spider and left. The entire visit lasted five minutes, and the son saw him as a helper and hero. So, when he began the conversation a day later, my son was open to him. – Katie
“I asked my 13-year-old girlfriend if I wanted to meet my boyfriend, and she said, ‘Can I go inside and say a bit?” He did it, and then a few weeks later, we went out to dinner and played the cards. We made her choose where to eat. They have developed a great relationship and what helped is that she was chosen. It was my first post-relationship and she later said, “It was his idea, not his.”
“My beloved friend had a serious relationship with the father of two boys and the idea of her partner was very good. He told the kids a few things about her. There was a clear, supportive, low stakes task, so he didn’t focus on meeting this person (or even talking). And the boys were on their lawn and were able to choose their engagement and proximity level.” – Hillary
thought? Thank you for any tips and wisdom. Thank you as always. Speaking of Xoxoxoxo, also a new partner, this line from my friend Erika’s newsletter made me laugh:
PS: 5 things that surprised me about divorce and the script we used to tell our kids that we were divorced.
(Photo: Cara Dolan/Stocksy. I think the opening photo would be like Sally to ask Freddie, “Should I be a dog in this scenario?”
281 comment
