Since I started dating after my divorce, I’ve received a lot of interesting questions from friends and readers, like, “What do you wear on a first date?” (It’s almost always this shirt) and “How long do you wait before sleeping with someone?” (A while). And a reader named Malena recently asked me, “Are you planning on dating? Are you ‘seeing who there is’ or ‘looking for your next husband’?”
That’s a great question! And I have the answer! (If you’re single, I’d love to hear your answer, too.)
When I first started dating this spring, my friend Andy encouraged me to “date lots of different guys and have fun!” But I soon realized that while dating multiple people might be fun, it could also lead to a “good for her, not good for me” situation. I realized that what I’m looking for is a long-term partner. I’ve dated four guys since February, and they’re all great in their own way, and I love the feeling of getting to know them, learning their breakfast habits, kissing styles, funny quirks, inside jokes, and shared language. I’m not sure how long it will last, though.
In the past, I loved being in a relationship and even loved being married for a long time. Remember this reader’s comment? “A few days ago, my husband and I were lying in bed laughing so hard we didn’t even know what was going on,” Lauren writes. “We were dressed silly, with matching mouth guards and horribly old pajamas, and the next day he texted me, ‘I keep thinking about laughing with you last night.'” Wow! So sweet. And this romantic poem just makes my heart swell.
These days, when I meet people, I try to take my mother’s long-held advice to heart: In any conversation, make the effort to say what you truly want to say, even if it’s embarrassing, scary, or vulnerable. What’s surprising is that no matter what you say, you’ll come across as brave and empathetic. Don’t you think there’s something inherently endearing and respectable about when someone expresses their true feelings?
So if I have a more serious conversation with a guy I’m dating, I make sure I say what I really want, what I feel, what I’m worried about, etc. Because at the end of the day, if you’re not going to say it, why have the conversation? Otherwise, you’re both just saying whatever comes to mind.
For example, one guy I dated had recently gotten divorced, and in our early text messages before we went on our first date, we said this:
Me: Can I just ask you something?
Him: Exactly.
Me: I know you just broke up.
The early days were very intense.
I want to know what’s going on in your mind these days.
For example, are you in the mood for a date?
I think you are on a journey with alcohol and sex right now.
It’s fun and it’s great and it clears the mind, but that’s not what I’m looking for.
Him: That’s a great and valid question.
We ended up spending a few months together and it was really fun. I’m glad I was honest about how I felt. It’s not easy, but it’s worth it.
So, I’m curious: If you’re single, what are you looking for? If you have a partner, what are you looking for? Do these things change for you? I’d love to hear…
P.S.: 5 things that surprised me about my divorce, what it was like having sex for the first time after my divorce, and my sister’s great dating tips.
(Photo by Christine Han)
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