We all need a comic distraction right now, so let’s talk about bad hair days. This is mine.
One of my best friends is getting married in New York — black tie! — and I want to have a blast myself. I’m staying at my aunt’s apartment, and the closest driver is a block away. I noticed the low Google stars, but make a reservation anyway. “Don’t worry, it’s like McDonald’s!” I reassure my friend. “I choose what I want from the menu, and it’s always the same.”
I am a self-delusional magician.
So what do you do when the bathroom is dirty and all the staff are very unhappy about being there? I choose “cosmo body” from the dirty menu and wear a billowy wavy dress And she looks like an extra in a youth drama (perfect). Then take off your glasses.
Cosmo Thai model photo from Drybar
The stylist washes my hair, but the water is ice cold. “They’re saving on utility bills! That’s so great! I tell myself. She burned the roots of my hair with the hair dryer and blew my scalp with hellfire.” Cozy! “I think.
The curling iron comes out and I relax and close my eyes. And I feel my stylist sigh with each curl. A soul-searching sigh. A sigh of sadness, a feeling of fatigue, fatigue. I know that getting my hair done today won’t bring her any happiness, and frankly, it shouldn’t. A colleague passes by and asks, “When are you getting off?” They then have a short conversation on the subject of “I want this to end.”
We all know this feeling.
“Your hair is so pretty,” she sighs. “I made my curls thicker so they’ll last until the wedding.” She turns her chair so she can see me. The glasses will continue.
Inside the mirror is an abstract art piece worthy of a museum. Asymmetrical curls are so tightly wound that they bounce up like a cartoon when you pull them. Some people were in a slightly cramped situation, as if they were stuck in a car door. The frizz is exploding from the wonky midsection, and you can see that you may have stuck your finger in the socket to remove the ends. I ask meekly, “Can I tease you a little?”
I tipped 20% and quickly left, taking a quick selfie in the elevator on my way to my aunt’s apartment. “So it’s an explosion?” she asks from behind the Rummikub game on her iPad. “Are you… crying?” my life partner asks, concerned.
no! In fact, I feel dizzy. A laughably bad hairstyle. I wet my hands in the sink and tried to tame the beast. Boing! The curls will bounce back. I consider a shower, but I don’t really care for it so I’ll reconsider. When it’s time to leave for the wedding, I put my hair up in a ponytail, some curls sticking out like live wires, and head uptown.
Famous for his terrible haircuts on Seinfeld, The Mindy Project, Fleabag, and PEN15.
I told you mine, now tell me yours.
Alex Beggs is a writer and copywriter who lives in Michigan with his partner. Her articles have appeared in Bon Appetit, Elle Decor, and The New York Times. She also writes about meatloaf and cold cake for Cup of Jo.
PS Three CoJ readers do their hair and makeup, and Janelle gets the haircut she’s always wanted.
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